Nursing, its high school all over again.

There I said it, I absolutely love to hate nursing. I have worked in a hospital with a bunch of menopausal, middle aged women, in their sixties that re-live high school everyday. You have the charge that refuses to take any assignment or admission because she is “the charge”. Her friends cannot take an admission because they are her friends and she is “the charge”. She will split up the patients and give you the worst techs because, again she is “the charge”.  The first person and only person to alway be sitting at the nurse’s station and complains the loudest. Her lemming friends and her talk about how they have 30 plus years working on the floor and they can retire if they wanted to, but continue to work because they are bored. Bullshit! You have no idea what else to do, call it what you want; bullying, horizontal violence, its called “high school”.
Nursing sucks because 95% of the population in this field are women and we are bitches. We bitch and whine all the time, but nothing ever gets solved. We back stab, gossip, and get people fired. Why? Because we are jealous, evil, green monsters. We like to ask 20 questions during report, even though we had them the day before, just because we can. We love to irritate other nurses and pretend that everything is brand new, why? It’s a sickness we thrive off of. We are killing the profession!!!
If we actually band together and fought together maybe there would be progress. We cannot move forward until we swallow our pride and work together as a team.
Why do we run short staffed? First of all administration and corporations staff inadequately due to their budget cuts. They want nurses to take 8 patients not based on acuity, but on a silly non-sense grid. You want us to kiss ass because it is about “customer service”  and those patient satisfaction  scores. How can we satisfy customers if we run short staffed? You cannot have an acute patient that weighs over 300 pounds that is non-ambulatory and incontinent without adequate staffing. Obviously it will take 2 people to assist this one patient, what happens when the other call lights go off, but the 2 are with this patient for 20 minutes?
Secondly, nurses move on because we get tried of being treated like a second class citizen. I do not know doctor why the patient decided to spike a fever at 2 in the morning instead of at 4 in the afternoon. I will make sure next time they spike a fever at your connivence. I am sorry family member I did not offer you a diet coke or your father’s soup was not warm enough, while I was preforming CPR on another patient! I am sorry the guy next door is crying out in pain, I’ll kindly tell him to “shut the fuck up because your neighbor says you are being too loud” And finally let me tell you that when your family member complains that no one has seen the patient or the patient is being ignored, it means you dumbass needs to come in and visit! They are lonely and want attention from you, not me.
Frankly it is quite sad when management reprimand the good staff, and allow bad staff to get away with murder. I get you keep the complainer because not only do they not do their job, they snitch in return to keep their job. It is perfectly acceptable to talk on your cellphone while you are feeding your patients, because this way you  keep a close eye on the hard working employee across the room. Again we allow the wrong people to run our career and burn us out.  We are too busy worrying about what other people are doing and not focusing on what is happening right in front of our faces. If the younger generation nurses are furthering their education to get away from bedside nursing, who will take care of patients if everyone leaves? I am sorry if I offend anyone, but this is my person opinion.

Through the Eyes of an American Born Nurse

I went into nursing blindly, did not know what to expect but ended up loving it. School was harder for me because most of my fellow peers were Caucasian. There was obvious favoritism, but that is just the way things have always been for me. I never let my instructor’s racist inappropriate comments stop me from being the person I am today.  To re-cap the evil witch made a comment if I was tired because she couldn’t tell from my small eyes in front of the entire class. This continued during the semester, but with anyone that was non-Caucasian.  

Fast-forward three years and still racism continues, but on a more subtle note. I see favoritism all the time with management and their protection among their own race. I remember when a friend of the Director was hired as the evening supervisor, then promoted to unit manager. The position was up for grabs and everyone that applied that was non-white was turned down. When there’s a complaint about a co-worker not finishing her duty the response is because she is a new grad. When a Caucasian male nurse did not follow through putting a patient in harms way, nothing was every done.

I gave a patient more calories than I was supposed to and was written up. Where is the justice? HR is caught in the middle because she sees it, but keeps quiet because she has a family to feed too. Should we sit in silence and let this continue or should we speak up and lose or job? It has become a no win situation, are we being denied promotions because of our skin color? I am American born Asian; my parents came here in the 60’s to live the American dream. What is equality? Did it ever exist?

New year, new memories

A priceless piece of time captured in your heart forever. It is something you cannot buy, fake or pretend. This is what I want when I lay in bed at my old frail age, knowing I did all I could with the ones that I love the most. I want to live my life to the fullest with no regrets with my friends and family. Disney is absolutely fucking magical! 

Our trip to Disney World will probably be postponed due to having to buy a new car. I honestly would rather spend that magical moment with my children than a honking piece of metal. I believe the term vacation is different for every person, I believe a vacation should be jammed packed. Everyday there should be something exciting planned, because it is a waste of time and money to relax in the sun. Why not just stay home and go hang out at your local beach?

We had originally planned to go vacationing with our friends, but I decided it would be best if we went alone.  I honestly love them, but I do not want the added stress of their frugality toward my family during a VACATION! I do not believe everyone should make the sacrifice of flying because one family wants to save money and drive. First of all if they do the research they will only save a total of $375 only toward gas, excluding wear and tear, food, and lodging. The idea of sitting in a care for 24 plus hours is not what I call a vacation.

I may not wealthy, but I believe my family is entitled to some luxury. I’m not talking 5 star hotels with someone at my every beck and call. My idea of luxury means, not having to stress or penny pinch every nickel and dime. It is called enjoyment and convenience!

I recently read an article about the artist Sting and leaving no money for his children. He basically said he is working hard to spend it with his family, so they can work hard and earn their own. I completely agree with his parenting tactics. I do work hard so my family can enjoy time together creating new memories. I do not want to have any regrets on my deathbed, you cannot take money, but you can leave behind a legacy.

This is a new year and as I reflect I am grateful for so many things. I am in a sacred partnership with morals and values. We share amazing children that can drive us crazy at times, but worth every moment. He has been there for me at my lowest and we are still working on the highest. Although I may seem bitter at times, one thing I do know for a fact is we have strong family values. 

Lazy dumb fools...

I have worked with the same lazy people for over two years now. What have I come to discover? One is pretty evil and other is a vegetable! I have seen laziness come and go, but these two are pretty malicious. It could be culturally because of their caste system, kissing up to the Caucasian because someone how they are superior in their eyes.
I found it funny because they have been there a lot longer than I have and they are still working the same position. Teamwork does not exist in their cultural, but does in the world of nurses (or at least should). I know I sound racist, but it has gotten to the point where I see it all the time with this ethnicity.
Example #1: At my workplace, lets call them the brown noser and vegetable. Brown noser acts busy, but really is doing nothing, she is searching for mistakes that other people make. Then there is the vegetable that is not only manipulative, but blows things out of proportion. Those two love going to the "DON" to show the mistakes of others, which I think is terrible. Nurses are supposed to have each other's back, but sadly everyone wants to get ahead, only to be found walking in place. These two have never no idea how to critically think, yet alone admit a patient without passing it along.
I have been stabbed in the back like anyone else, but this time it has gone to far! Nurses make mistakes all the times, even the ones that claim they have never made a med error is full of crap! I am the type that tries to be helpful, even though I know it is there laziness.
The brown noser loves to preach about her Christianity, but we all know she's a two faced hypocrite that sleeps wonderfully at night. She bitched to me about wanting to go to church, but had to go back to her country because her relative was dying, WTF?! Then there is the vegetable that goes on and on about how she doesn't have to work, trying to make it seem like she's the bored housewife. This is the one that loves to give me parenting advise, please woman! I know my marriage is stronger than hers because I do not believe in infidelity and secondly I have a strong relationship with my children. Sending your children to a fancy school, trying to be a tiger mom, is not called parenting!
Example #2 My children have a friend from this particular culture, she was telling me her parents want her to be a doctor. I asked her if that is what she wants to do and her response was "they make a lot money". Oh boy! Money is not everything and it is sad that her parents have instilled this in head. You become a doctor because you want to help people or discover a cure for an incurable disease. Not because of money! May be this is why the idea of being a doctor is no longer prestigious as it used to be. Of course I never said any of this to her.
Example #3 My neighbors. They have been pretty friendly to us, but when they have issues with stuff they think my husband is going to come over and fix it. I am sorry our cheap fucks, go hire someone, my husband is not your handyman! They are also the ones that sit with our neighbors that never acknowledge us (they are Caucasian) because in their mind they are more superior.

I pity these fools because money and backstabbing is not going to get you far in life. You will be poor in your heart treating others as servants. I worked with a resident in a long term facility and their family treated everyone like trash. I'm sorry, your mother is a Medicaid recipient, technically my tax paying dollars is paying for her stay. If you are so wealthy and high class you would put her in a fancy facility!
I look at vegetable and brown noser, I feel sorry for them. They will always think reporting someone to upper management will get them far, but sadly you are seen as the snitch and not a team player. They have been working at the same facility, passing along their work, and tattle telling the entire time. Sadly, you do not have the manager title behind your name and your co-workers all hate you.

I hate mother's day

I do think mother's should be celebrated, but I personally hate this hallmark holiday! I guess you can you say it has always over powered my birthday, since it lands on the same week every year. It is like being born in December and sharing it with Jesus. It just kind of sucks, although I have nothing against the man. This goes back to my first mother's day, listening to my spouse tell me that I am not his mother. Yup, OUCH! It still continues on, I will get a happy mother's day from my children, friends, and co-worker, but not him. Fast forward 11 years and still nothing, but I have learned to except disappointment, and just to embrace it.
This year on May 9 my husband tells me that the kids really want to get me something for my birthday and mother's day because they forgot his. I said I really do not want anything, but to spare their feelings I said I guess we can go out to eat. The day of Mother's day I felt tired, from working a double two days before. I simply stated that everywhere is way too crowded and I need to go to Target. I was told to stay home because he was going to take his mother and the kids out to eat. At first I was little hurt, but he does have a right, after all it is his mom and I am only the mother of his children.

Where have all the good preceptors gone?

Bullying is sad thing that happens even as an adult. This day had seem so surreal, but the reality is I truly am crushed. Today I had a meeting with my manager regarding my 90 day review, pretty much to tell me I was terminated. As I think about everything that has happened through out my entire training process horizontal bullying was happening. The first weeks seemed manageable, and everyone was friendly, although it felt like high school again. Then came month two, the level of acuity got a bit harder as I tried to process everything. I definitely thought I was learning a lot more, but nervous because my experience was so limited form the background I came from. Somewhere along the lines of week 10 the nightmare from hell began. The person I thought was supposed to be my trainer turned into my worst enemy. I felt judged, undermined, and just flat out bullied. I never told a soul about how my stress and anxiety level was through the roof. I tried my best to smooth things over in the end, but it was too late. I had learned you need a good teacher to teach and guide you, not point out your ever flaw and belittle you in a passive aggressive way. I had worked extremely hard to get to where I am just to be shot down and lose ever bit of confidence left inside me. I really do not understand what exactly happened that made me not qualified. I thought nursing was something you learn and grow with, not be expected to know everything in that very moment. I do have critically thinking skills, may be we do not think a like, but I am very capable of judging right from wrong. Time management is something we all learn on our own, I may not be as fast as you, but I see your mistakes too. I have caught nurses giving the wrong dose, or hanging the wrong bag. I am not the one that forgot to put in tele order and the patient did not get charged for it. I may not be brand spanking new, but to the acute care I am. I was a bit more cautious and took my time, I did not want to make a mistake. Maybe my reports were not as thorough because I have not learned how to read the monitors and could not tell you the rhythm. Each unit reported differently, some wanted more, others did not. Did we all forget what it was like to be new or did you think you were born that way. I want to thank Hawaii for leaving me jobless knowing I have four children to care of because of her lack of insecurity. The state be seem beautiful on the outside, but the angry volcano lives within. I thought to ADVOCATE was to be on a person's side, boy was I wrong! Did I choose the wrong career? Was it not my time to shine? I was angry and spiteful, but now I pity the state because she was not any more knowledgeable than I. Good teachers produce great leaders, unfortunately I was produced into a reject….I did have some that were excellent and let me learn on my own, there were a few that were on your ever move, but I will never forget the one that got me fired. The best one I had ever had is the one that taught me most and she still is my mentor.

Vacation

It was that time of the year for our annual trip out west. I would say Disney puts on one heck of a production. The best part of being at Disney was to be in the middle of Radiator Springs! I mean to see Mater and Lighting McQueen live, driving around and singing happy birthday to my son. I would have to say although I did not get to dress up as a Disney character, I did get to channel my inner Cinderella for that moment. The price of Disney has gone up in the past few years, but to see the look on my children's faces is priceless. Another comment I must add is regarding the deliciously scrumptious english toffee they sell on main street. Initially I was upset my husband wanted to purchase english toffee for $12! After trying it, I would say it was the best $12 ever spent.

sin city

This summer I was lucky to go to Vegas with my sisters and no kids. It has been quite a long time since we went just us girls, I'm talking eight plus years. So much has changed since the last time I was there no one gambles the way they used to. I would have loved to have been around during the rat pack days when the mobs ran the joint and clubs hardly existed. Kids now a day have turned the Vegas economy  upside down, no one wants to gamble, all they want to do is go clubbing and booze up in their rooms. I remember when slot machines were not computerized and did not cost a penny to play. I miss the old Vegas, the loose change, the $10 buffet, and real people gambling at the tables. I know times have change, but people used to spend money and enjoy the entertainment. I will always cherish the old Las Vegas memories, when a few of the old casinos like the Sahara, and Frontier still existed. I remember the days of collecting your winnings and scooping them into a bucket, and then carefully walk slowly to the cashier booth in exchange for dollar bills.

 A 5 star review I do have to give is the cirque du soleil show "Love"(The Beatles tribute). The show was amazingly incredible, the non-stop action, along with a very beautiful story line. Would I watch this show again? Absolutely!  The cost of popcorn and pop was a bit much ($20) but it came with a souvenir cup. I think I will return  to sin city this winter, but this time with my children so they can see what all the hype is about. I am pretty sure I will end up spending a lot of time at circus circus, but the feeling of nostalgia is always worth it.

The greatest part of my last trip was being with my sisters, I had missed it so much! The relationship I have with my sisters is like no other, no one understands they bond we have and I know that no one ever replace it either. 

A job gone wrong...

It is funny because bullying is not just a childhood thing, it can go way into adulthood. I experienced it recently at a facility I was doing a favor for, the person had left such a terrible feeling I chose to call in sick the following day. In my dilemma I felt maybe I should reach out to my HR regarding the situation and how I felt I did not want to work at that facility anymore. HR spoke with the director and the call I got back was not what I had in mind. There really wasn't a sympathetic ear instead I felt attacked! Now  I am the one doing you a favor and this is the thanks I get? Maybe calling in was cowardly, but how do you address a situation with out it backlashing in the end.
I remember as a child when something terrible did happen, I told my mother, and in return I was known as the tattle tale. Where do you go from there? A victim of bullying to a victim for telling? It is not the easiest telling on someone without repercussions, because there always is. You become the social out cast because you told on the bully and no one wants to be friends with the tattle taler.
My situation started off when giving report to the morning shift, she deliberately started asking me irrelevant questions regarding a patient that was no longer there. Then she starts speaking in her native tongue and obviously it is about me. I do not know how other people feel, but speaking in your native tongue with people that do not speak it is offensive. I understand that it maybe easier to speak in your native tongue because it takes less effort, but maybe they should not be working at a facility where English is the primary language.
In the end I felt attacked from both directions and to finish off with a little bit of passive aggressiveness. Some times the person in charge does not realize the backlash a person has to face once they open up can of worms. As a grown up feeling like the way I did when I was a kid is not a good feeling. I have one more day of sucking it up and never having to go there again.

Rainbow at the end of the day...

I am a nurse and I see all sorts of things, today was one of those days where I got to experience it all. I experienced my first code, unfortunately things did not turn out and my condolences goes out to the family. It's funny how in school they talk about your sympathetic nervous system, the whole fight or flight instinct. Well it is true, your body is exhausted after the fight is over, I mean I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days.
Let me tell you about two couples that live in the long term facility upstairs at where I work. There is the couple where the wife is wheelchair bound and I guess you can say a real "bitch". Her husband is there to be at her every beck and call, but still she complains, and patiently he takes it. Does he stay because he feels sorry for her? I understand for sickness and in health, but when push comes to shove, does someone really need that kind of abuse?
The last couple I know is my rainbow at the end of the day. I do not know their whole story or why she is there, but I do know they are the sweetest people ever. They are a young couple, probably mid forties, adult children, and pretty religious. She is pretty much bed bound, always polite and thanks the staff constantly. When her husband comes to see her, he's got the biggest smile on his face! The affection and love these two have for each other always makes me want to cry because it is so emotional. I wonder if they were always this affectionate and cordial to each other or did the incident of her being there bring them closer. I think as a married couple you forget to listen to each other and just go on your daily routine. There are days where I sit and tell my spouse what happened and he just stares off into space. Have we become the nagging couple? Have we stopped appreciating each other? It's hard to work at your rainbow when the sun does not come out after the rain.

Korean new fad diet craze (해독주스)

My mother in law comes over with this disgusting vegetable drink because it is supposed to cleanse my body and help me lose weight. Mind you I had a baby literately 2 months ago and I am breastfeeding. I find it funny because like most of her Korean friends, everything they do is a fad or trend. When one person decides or hears of an idea, the rest of the lemmings follow. This diet consists of cabbage, broccolis, carrots, apples, bananas, and tomatoes (sounds gross already). Once boiled you are to blend all these ingredients and drink them prior to eating, promising your stomach to be full faster, hence eating less. I am sorry I'm sure this craze diet works well with some, but I AM BREASTFEEDING! I am not going to drink something that will cause gas no only to me, but to my little one. Then she tries to convince me that it will detoxify my body, well first of all what is detox? and secondly it's full of fiber so of course you are going to have an increase in bowel. Then it got me thinking, is she so embarrassed of the way I look she looks into these outrageous diets. With all the negativity and her oh so passive aggressive ways, I am surprised I never picked up an eating disorder or tried to commit suicide. I am sure she does these things with all good intentions, but because of her immigrant ways it just comes out bad to the American girl in me.

The Angry Parent.

After reading a blog of an angry teenager, I started to think back when I was once that age. I grew up in a household where my mother was an over bearing control freak. I understood being grounded during my high school years, but when it went into my twenties, she made my life hell. I grew up going to church not out of my own free will, but to accompany her and look like good children in front of her fake friends. I remember being in my twenties and having to be home by 11pm or having her call my friend’s parents because I was no where to be found. After getting married and moving way out of town the only feeling I have toward her is pure resentment. She gets upset that I do not call her on holidays or her birthday, but I have no desire to maintain a relationship with her. I know my mother is mentally not stable, but she is extremely toxic and that is something I do not need in my life.  I see parents all the time just screaming at their children, but never listening to their side of the story. Even if my child has done wrong, they still deserve the right to a fair mommy trial. I don’t ever want to become like my mother. When I pass one day I want my children to cry because they loved me and will miss me, not be sad because they were never able to have the relationship they wish they would liked to have had. 

The Vacation

Why is it every time our family plans a trip (mostly me) it becomes exhausting. The packing is the biggest obstacle of them all! Having a ton of kids and a clueless spouse because extremely irritating. If I left it up to my husband the kids would have nothing to wear and everyone would starve. I've come to realize to book flights in the afternoon because my spouse seems to be hard of hearing the days before when I need to pack, hence leaving me to pack into the wee hours into dawn. I have learned if you forgot to pack something know that deep inside it is your husband's fault for only packing his own gear and leaving the rest up to me.

That one song...

It's funny how music can trigger a memory from the past; call it nostalgia or whatever you want, but some how it can move you. Recently I came across a box of old CD's and started to listen to some of them. I remember the good times with friends, high school, first night club experiences, and Vegas road trips. I also remember the bad times, the groundings, first heart break, friendships falling apart, and a death. I will never forget the boy that took me to prom or the first guy that really broke my heart. I will never recover from a tragic death of my friend that happened two years into my marriage. I will always regret not fixing our friendship the way it used to be, but some how I know she is okay with me. I also wonder what happened to the people that came in and out of my life, would we have been great friends or was it just for fun? Looking back on how things were I would have like to changed many things, but I also know my present would not be the way it is today.
Even though my life is not an adventure, I will always have my one true constant and that is my husband...

Birthday or not to Birthday...

Turning 27 again is not as exciting as it was the first time. I had the most amazing dinner with my wonderful friends, at a little hole in the wall tapas bar. This one really tickled my pallet, it had avocado (obviously) fish and brandy mayo. This place is located in the heart of Jefferson Park on the corner of Bryn Mawr and Milwaukee. I love that it is BYOB and the owners do not clip you a corking fee. The down side is I do not drink wine due to the fact I'm either allergic to the tannins or sulfite in wine. As unsophisticated it may be I will just stick to my cocktails in the mean time. Even though my night was cut short due to a friend having little more wine than she can handle, I would not changed it for the world. I love my friends and the company alone out weighs my younger years bar hopping.

Is this thing on?

"Honey, don't forget to tell your mother, the kids and I will not be going there for lunch, because I am sick". Two hours later "ring ring"  caller id says mom. I take it he forgot to tell her. Maybe because he was born a man, he lacks common sense and has the delayed to do list gene, who knows. Please make my life easier as your wife and listen to what I say. It's not a difficult task, but you choose to make it that way. When your wife tells you to take out the trash, it pretty much means that very moment, not ten minutes from now or an hour, but now! A lot of times my husband has the tendency to forget what he is assigned to do, but low and behold his friend asks for a favor, he's there in a flash. Please explain that one to me? I am not the evil, bitching, nag he makes me out to be, the problem is, he need to open his ears! I know there are many wives out there feeling the same exact thing, is there a solution? no, it's inevitable.

Club 33

Will I ever get to enjoy this culinary mecca nestled away near pirates of the caribbean?

party favors

Here's a little something I did for a friend of mine. I placed 3-4 freshly baked cookies in a bag and tied them with nylon string (found in a asian store). I printed off labels using alice in wonderland font and adding a little note letting the guest know it's nut free.

Korean Fried Fish

This is one of my favorite dishes from when I was little.. I know it's so simple, but oh so tasty!

8-10 white fish cut into 3 pieces ( I like flounder or cod)
2 eggs
1 cup flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp peper
3 tbsp vegetable oil
blend all the dry ingredients together on a separate plate
beat the two eggs into a bowl
drench the fish into the flour, then dip into the egg and place on a hot frying pan with oil.
fry until golden brown and enjoy...
my kids like to dip the fish in soy sauce, but I prefer to eat it with rice.

It's amazing how time can feel like it is standing still, but moving fast at the same time.